Monday, February 16, 2015

View from a Dom by Cassandre Dayne

Letting Go within a D/s Relationship

Have you heard the expression ‘letting go’? There are perhaps dozens of connotations with regard to the thought. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m an author and I write in several genres including: paranormal, thriller, same sex, BDSM, domestic discipline and D/s relationships. I enjoy the various flavors, but I find my work delving into D/s journeys has helped me evolve as an author as well as a woman. After years of searching my soul, I came to the realization I’m very much a submissive, at least with regards to a relationship.

For a couple of years, I’ve been writing about D/s lifestyles on my blog. I’m the kind of woman, as well as writer, who doesn’t mind tackling various and often times difficult topics.

What I’ve learned is that the lifestyle is very complex, the dynamics each couple shares unique and very passionate. They range in as many shades as vanilla relationships. There are rules, protocols and requirements, but these also vary. When I met the man I now call my Sir, I’d had a brief but difficult experience with a man I thought I could trust. He and I had the same interests, both in our respective vanilla as well as kink worlds. There are several methods of betrayal and his concept was hurtful enough, I swore off almost every aspect – except writing my blog, learning more and penning several fiction books on the topic. Learning to trust again wasn’t high on my agenda or expectations.

When I met John Patrick, I definitely wasn’t looking for a Dom. I was simply reaching out flirting and talking on various social media sites, and he and I connected – very strongly. I knew right away he was interested in the lifestyle, but had limited experience. After finally meeting, the electricity rocked both of us; however there was no discussion about considering a D/s lifestyle in any manner. As we grew closer, our conversations completely uninhibited, our desires not only for each other, but for exploration increased. After a few short months, we began a pretty amazing journey.

He and I have been through various stages these last mind bending yet unsettling months, including some powerful and very raw emotions. John Patrick will tell you, the highs are incredibly high and the lows evoking personal demons, but with every step of the journey we’ve grown stronger. Closer. There is no perfect situation, whether vanilla or D/s. Men and women are different people – the whole Venus versus Mars thing – and butting heads does and will occur. The difference of course with a D/s relationship is that ultimately the Dom has the last say. What I’m grateful is how much he values my opinions, needs to hear my voice about every step we’re taking.

I mentioned to him the other day I needed to let go with him and asked if he knew what that meant. He knows me better than anyone ever has, but this time he asked me to explain.

For me, letting go is a simply a complete unleashing of every emotion, allowing joy, fear, sadness, anger or frustration to ease from my body. This also entails John Patrick having full control of me. Some might say this is “breaking” a submissive in training, but that’s not what I’m talking about. He doesn’t want to break my spirit any more than I want him to. 

What I’m really talking about for me personally is allowing myself to cry, scream, sob and weep as he whips me.

To this day I’m never cried, never really been close to crying and yes, many of his rounds of discipline have hurt like hell. He’s used everything from his hand to his belt, and a nasty leather strap called a Quirt. He’s whipped various body parts and his skill is sublime. There’s no reason that I wouldn’t cry, except – I can’t let go of my emotions, allowing my mind as well as my body to embrace such a vulnerable state.

When I explained this to John Patrick, his thoughts were that this is the last vestige of holding onto my control, whether subconsciously or not. He further surmised that because my natural personality is so very controlling, even demanding in my vanilla life, the inner girl continues to struggle. I thought about what he was saying for some time and realized he’s right. Consciously I’ve given him my heart, body and soul, but our inner strength doesn’t give up without a fight. Does it?

How do I think I can let go? The thought as well as the question has been haunting me for a few months until recently. When John Patrick whipped me with the belt for the first time, the event was relationship changing for us. At that very moment he’d gone from being my lover and friend to my Dom. This might be tough to explain, but we were both so electrified from the experience, we were both on an emotional high for several days. Subsequent times were wonderful, freeing for both of us, but not quite so electrified.

He began using the quirt, as well as other implements, and I could pretty much stay in my position. By last October? WHEW. I couldn’t stay in position. I whined and screeched. He noticed and asked why the discipline seemed to affect me so much more. I didn’t realize it until later the reason the pain seemed more severe was I had started to let go, to not only accept but embrace the need for his firm hand. The one night I was as close to tears as I’ve ever been. 

Circumstances haven’t allowed for us to be together in this manner recently, but of course this will change. Letting go involves so many aspects of one’s being. For me, the trust in the man is absolutely there, without a doubt. I trust his love and respect of me as well as knowing the woman inside well enough to grasp exactly what I need. There is no fear of what he might or will do. He is without a doubt my Dom, and the only man I’ll ever submit to.

What I haven’t been able to do is trust myself completely. This takes time. With his love and support, his guidance and training, he’s freeing me. I simply have to take the last leap of faith.

I hope you enjoyed.

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